There was the time I took the stake president's daughter to the LL Cool J concert at Fiddler's Green. I must have been 16 or 17 at the time, and was actually a moderate Cool J fan (still am.) When she told me she had won free tickets on the radio but wasn't going to go, I informed her that such waste was unacceptable and that I was on my way to pick her up. In my haste, I forgot to consider two things. First, rap/hip hop concerts are rarely any good. No instruments, no "band". Just one guy and his silly entourage running around mumbling into the mic for two hours (exception to the rule: Wu Tang Clan brings an unrestrained chaos to the stage that's actually a lot of fun to witness.) Second, he's not called "Ladies Love" for nothing. Performances of songs like "Doin' It Well" and "Back Seat of My Jeep" are probably best enjoyed with somebody that is NOT the daughter of your ecclesiastical leader. But there we were, watching Cool J demonstrate his "hungry kitty" technique on an overturned bar stool while all the "shorties" surrounding us cooed like pigeons. Lesson learned. Stick to rock bands.
Unless you count Collective Soul as a rock band. I caught these guys playing at the University of Utah's basketball arena in college. I knew some of their stuff from the radio, and though I liked it alright, I didn't like it enough to call myself a fan. The concert didn't help any. Remember that movie Can't Buy Me Love, where lawn boy Patrick Dempsey gives the cool girl, Cindi Mancini, a bunch of money to help replace her mother's leather tart-wear that she ruined, and in doing so essentially buys his way into the cool crowd? Remember how he tries way too hard to fit in with the cool kids and just comes off looking like a hyperactive jagoff (at least that's how I remember it)? That's what their lead singer reminded me of. The music was fine, and had I been blind, I might have enjoyed the concert. I am not blind, however, and he may as well have broken out the African Anteater Ritual for all his theatrics. As AC/DC said, it's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. What they didn't say (read between the lines, folks) is that if you prefer flopping around on the stage like an wounded bird, maybe the bottom suits you better.
Which brings me to the #1 on my "worst" list, and I know I'm going to take heaps of crap for this, but so be it. The story demands telling. I have a friend who works for the Utah Jazz, and she would occasionally get free tickets to concerts that didn't sell out at the Delta Center. That fact right there should tell you something about the downward trajectory of this show. My friend called me the night of the show and told me she had a stack of about 20 tickets for the 98 Degrees concert and wanted me to go with her and her sister. I laughed, thinking she was joking. She was not. As I contemplated the TV reruns I would miss by going, I glanced over at the couch where my roommate sat pawing at his happy trail while meditating on the evening's SportsCenter highlights. In that moment, I made a decision that would transform that night from being indistinguishable from hundreds of other nights in my college career, to one that remains vivid in my memory to this day, for no other reason than the tragic, unintended comedy of the spectacle.
I met my friend and her sister at the arena and immediately realized I was in for a delightful dramedy. Me and my friend were 21 or 22, and were probably the oldest ones there (barring chaperones) by at least six years. The arena barely sold enough tickets to fill the lower bowl. Our seats were in the upper bowl, and thank goodness for that. Up there the girls were simple fans, out of range of the corrupting musk of boy band sweat that affects the brains of adolescent girls like a spilled cup o' joe on your laptop. I spent the evening hanging over the railings surveying the madness sprawled out below. It was much more entertaining than anything happening on stage. Except, of course, when one of those mincing peacocks would send the little girls up front into weeping convulsions by kneeling down and handing out roses. My favorite was the ex-Mr. Simpson. He would stoop down so tenderly, never shrinking from the runny noses, the foaming mouths and gnashing metal braces, flashing like paparazzi cameras in the stage lights, to give a flower to some lucky girl. As he slowly sauntered back to the main stage, their little critter hearts teetering at the breaking point, he would stop mid-strut, turn back over one shoulder and give the three-fingered, raised-pinky waive. With the scent of man(ish) sweat still frying their circuitry, the girls would erupt into a frantic bounce, sobbing and embracing and speaking in tongues like it was the day of Pentecost. This exhibition continued for what seemed like eternity. We didn't stay to the end. I didn't want to get caught going upstream against these teenage drama piranhas coming off a feeding frenzy. I guess if you have to witness a truly awful performance, you may as well look for the humor in it.
So let me hear it folks. What are some of the worst concerts you've ever been to? Can it top this:
oh boy, the memories. i took a girl that i knew from the mish to a u2 concert. big mistake. my roomate and friend had slept overnight to get some tickets, 'cuz he was a HUGE u2 fan. he was able to buy two tickets together and one extra. so the deal was that whoever of us was closer to a real relationship when the day of the concert came would get the two together tickets. this was after 9/11 some time, at the delta center. so.....i had gone on like, one or two dates with this girl (nicole jensen, if you must know). myself, i would only consider me a lukewarm u2 fan-i don't even own any of their albums, but even a shlub like me knows that this is one of great bands of all time and you have to be able to die saying you saw them live, even if it was standing next to a cold unfeeling broad that would refuse to return your calls just three days after the concert. oh yeah, i guess that's what happened. the concert was great, the vibe from the girl was eh, and three days later, she quit talkin' to me. concerts with my wife have been great, cuz we're like, bff's. green day, jimmy eat world, guster, ryan shuppe and the rubberband.....and muse coming in april to a utah concert venue near me. april 5th. yay-uh!
ReplyDeleteHA! Jason, I never knew Jensen, but I love the fact that you just called her a cold, unfeeling broad. It's true that who you attend a concert with can make a huge difference in your experience. The two Rage Against the Machine shows I saw with my brother Tyson, and the many Van Halen and Jimmy Buffett shows I've seen with Troy are among the tops in my life.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Jas, the stake president's daughter that I saw LL Cool J with is now Ryan Shupe's wife. I'll have to check if she even remembers that show.
ReplyDeleteTravis, that was a pretty awesome post! and it's true that the company sometimes makes it or breaks it. my worst was Jimmy Eat World at Red Rocks! I went with Chris Stott. That probably says it all right there. :) 'Cause the venue is amazing, the seats were pretty decent, the weather was fantastic, and I even thought the music was pretty good. It was the bump on the log next to me that I couldn't enjoy! Thanks for sharing that gem of a memory.
ReplyDeleteNelly Furtado. Similar situation: Dave A. works at George Mason, they didn't sell out the show, so he had a stack of tickets to give out for the Patriot Center. He had a whole gaggle of ladies willing to take him up on it, but needed some male reinforcement. I acquiesced, much to my undying shame. Terrible concert. I, too, witnessed the Nokia Corporate Sell-Out Show that, by the way, featured Collective Soul, at the U of U. I wish you could have caught them in their heyday back in 1997. Much better show at Saltair.
ReplyDeleteWow. Did you ever start the nostalgia wheels turning. I echo the comments above about the difference company makes during a show. It is not always the venue, nor the band for that matter, that makes a concert live in your memory as much as the people and surroundings do.
ReplyDeleteI might sound a little old and outdated, but I took a girl (Let's call her J) to the Aerosmith concert back in high school with the soul purpose of making another girl (let's call her C)jealous. Talk about your backfires. Because I was not into J in that way, I brought a bunch of other friends and acquaintances to make it a group date. I was into C in that way, and I made sure she knew where I was going that night.
You can imagine my bewilderment when C showed up looking all hot and slutty with another dude. Once I saw her, I was oblivious to the fact that there was a concert going on. Apologies to Mr. Tyler.
On another note, can a concert be the best and the worst for different reasons? Again, the venue and band are immaterial to the story and will only serve as fodder for you younglings to laugh at, but when I paid my annual hommage to the Poison/Def Leppard concert last year, I went against my better judgement and allowed my wife to go with. Don't read too much into the last statement; I love my wife very much, except that she had failed as a concert goer several years earlier when she went with me to the Poison/ Kiss concert and begged to leave after the first Kiss song. Brief backround...My brother Troy and I have been going to the Poison concert for around 6 yrs now and has become our 'guys night out' if you will. They have always been good, and it is always a hoot to see how Fiddler's Green will handle the handicap seating year over year. Well, this past year they decided to allow handicap seating (and their entourage) be on the very front row, as in fist bumpin Bret Michaels and getting guitar picks and drum sticks thrown to me front row. I highly recommend sitting/standing on the front row of a concert. So, the concert is going great, my two bro's and their friends and my wife all jamming to Unskinny Bop and wiping the band's sweat from ourselves...
Enter the hired help. A local nudy bar had sent some dancers to come and 'liven' up the show when Def Leppard took the stage. Apparently, Greenwood Village rules say somewhere that if a female wants to be topless, she must be high enough for the entire crowd to see her. My two brothers are single, and by the first song, Tyson had one of the girls on his shoulders as she flashed the band and the crowd. Another was topless and giving Troy some love (I think she was sent to distract him while the others stole our seats). Not to be outdone, one of the girls asked for my assistance in getting her up above the crowd so she could do her thing. It was the defining moment of when good things went bad. I did the wrong thing and obliged the young lady. As Tyson and I stood side by side with topless dancers on our shoulders, the crowd cheered, the band played and my wife looked on in disgust.
There you have it. The best-and worst all in the same night, although the worst lasted well past that night.
Great post! I remember you telling me about the collective soul concert and that the singer enjoyed his own music a little too much. I've only been to several concerts and they were all pretty good. Muse was the best by far. We're really hoping to get to one of their shows this tour, but we'll see.
ReplyDeleteSounds like this Troy dude knows how to roll at these concerts! Halen, Buffett, Leppard, Poison....and the list goes on and on.
ReplyDeleteTrav, back atcha....good times. Ty, what a night that was. Dont know if it could ever be topped.
I dont think i've ever had a poor concert experience to date. Couple back in highschool stand out as near-jail experiences, but they were all a blast, too. If I had to pick one, though, it would be this summers Motley Crue. Oh my, were they awful! Well, the band was good - Vince Neil was awful.
well...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.myspace.com/thelordhumongous
I believe I was at the Collective Soul Concert with you! The opening band was almost as good (Fastball- only one good song). Most piss poor performances I have witnessed were opening bands. Among the worst, Wallflowers (drugged out of his mind, never moved, a true Dylan), Jim Rose Circus (a circus act set to his own music- opened for NiN), and a handful of wannabes trying too hard with a terrible song set. Worst concert REM- Poor Michael Stipe had to have sheet music cause he didn't know his own lyrics. A few highlights, a naked wacked out Scott Weiland, Maynard from Tool dressed in drag, saw a joint at Primus the size of 2 coke cans put together, Jane's Addiction doing things you could only do in Vegas (Where they were), meeting Bono, and way too many contact highs. I've been to too many concerts, and got nothing but a few t-shirts and a few trips to the bishops office. But for some reason I keep supporting the artists.
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