Smokin' Some Cougar Bluegrass, Feelin' Good

BYU quarterbacks.  They're not from this planet.  They have such insulated, blind egos, which is not abnormal for any quarterback.  But at BYU, when they stand in as representatives of the team with their comments, they sometimes make their teammates look ridiculous, as Max Hall did after the Utah game two years ago.  This year, the difference from Hall's meltdown is that rather than winning a game in overtime prior to laying waste to the press room, this year the Cougars lost.  Perhaps coach Mendenhall needs to limit their exposure to the media after games, because once again, that's where the quarterback mystified the masses with his comments.  This time, the quarterback was Jake Heaps, and he likes his rose-colored glasses just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Jake Heaps almost holds onto the ball

  Let's start with his comments [and a few bits of personal commentary] and let you get a sense of what game he was playing (question topics and Heaps quotes taken from SLTrib.com).

In response to a question about his comfort level with the pace of the offense: 

Regardless of execution, in big games like this, if you don't turn the football over, then you win the game.
And our offense was able to move the football. Again, we were struggling to put the ball in the end zone. But most of that was turnovers.
Our opening drive [in which the center snapped the ball over Heaps' head, Heaps recovered, and proceeded to fumble in the end zone, leaving a Utah lineman to fall on it for a touchdown], not a big deal, I try to make a heads-up play by throwing that ball out of bounds, so we [could] punt it off, but it slips out of my hand.
Then the next few, just costly, especially when we are down in the blue zone, and we are about to score [the 'blue zone' is apparently the BYU version of the Red Zone, where normal teams go to score points, but Cougars apparently go in order to almost score points]. The momentum change there is so big, and quite frankly, I mean the true fact of the matter is, that this game could be much different, and that's the truth.
I don't care who wants to say what, you know, if we don't turn the football over in those critical situations, then this game is different.

On whether the offense took a step backward:

It depends on what aspect you want to look at [Oh, okay.  How about in the aspect of "winning games"?]. As far as taking care of the football and being the offense that our defense can count on, no, we didn't prove that today. Did we show that we can move the football, that we have talent? That we have the ability to be great and show potential in that? Yes.
And that's what I am going to hold onto, is the potential to be great. Because we can. And we will be great.  [One thing B-school has taught me is that potential counts for jack at the end of the game.  You don't step on the field to look back and say, "We got our butts kicked, but our potential?!?   Man we had some badass potential out there!"].
We are going to work our tails off this week. It is unexcusable [sic], and as an offensive guy, our defense battled, and they played hard. But we put them in constant situations where they were pinned up within the 20-yard-line. But they held them to field goal after field goal.
Like I said earlier, if we take care of the football, this game is a different story. Because of the way our defense was playing, and our offense was moving the ball well. 

On how to bounce back:

If the guys aren't motivated to get this bad taste out of their mouth, then I don't know what is going to motivate anybody. You know, a loss like this, especially when we knew the game could be so much different, you walk away from this game and you are shaking your head, just because of the fact that we gave them the game, we gave them the opportunity to score points. We gave them the short field. Other than a drive or two that they had, our defense was stopping them.  Utah's offense didn't do anything special.

I just love reading these quotes.  It is as though the quotes were taken from last year's game that went down to the last play, and BYU came up just short.  Makes it feel like such a close game.  Now let's take a look at the actual game that the rest of the world watched.

Utah:   54
BYU:  10

Follow Heap's fact train on how this could have been such a different game:

IF we hadn't turned the ball over seven times, twice by me inside our own 10 yard line, and
IF we had scored every time we almost scored, and
IF our totally superior awesome defense had been able to keep the Utah offense to only field goals, and
IF we had been able to run the ball against the Utah defense,
THEN we would have totally owned those clowns.

An old British friend of mine used to be fond of saying, "And if the queen had bollocks, she'd be the king."

Jake Heaps makes a heads-up play

If.  Potential.  Almost scored.  Would have been.  You don't hear winners talk about these things after a game.  Unless it is the winner saying, "If I'd had a chance to talk to that loser's girlfriend after the game, she'd have totally come to the after party with me.  I almost scored.  That would have been great."

The turnovers were huge, and he's right, that was entirely the offense's fault.  But his refusal to give the Utes any sort of credit for playing a great game is pretty blind.  While he put up more than respectable numbers himself (since we're not counting the turnovers; 27-50, 305 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, 2 lost fumbles), he was forced to throw 50 times because the Utah defense held them to 11 TOTAL yards of rushing on 22 attempts.

BYU almost scoring in the Blue Zone

 Of course, Heaps is right about his defense.  They forced the Utah offense to punt once, so there was that silver lining.  They also held the Utes twice on fourth down.  AND they forced them to kick three field goals, the first of which the Ute's kicker missed by a half-mile.  That's six points, Jake.  What about the other 48 points?  The Utah offense found the endzone seven times.  Seven touchdowns vs. three field goals.  Even if every one of the touchdowns was reduced to a field goal, that's nine fields goals.  That's 27 points.  How are you with math, Jake?  27-10 = 17.  The Utes still would have beat you by 17.

Heaps holding onto his potential greatness

Yup.  Utah's offense only had one or two drives, but other than that, the Cougar defense was stopping them all night.  I mean, Utah's quarterback, Wynn, he only threw for 239 yards and two TDs.  And he threw a pick, too.  And it's not like their running game was any better than BYU's.  What's their running back's name?  White?  He only ran for 174 yards and three TDs.  Jeezy Pete's, people.  They didn't even get more than 500 yards in total offense.  481 yards is like, what, the distance I walk from my car to the fro-yo shop with my date? 

Utah's offense doing nothing special to the BYU defense

Somebody should have told the Cougars that the devotional on "Charity" this week did not mean giving the ball away. 

Heaps "giving" the Utes a chance to score

Heaps tripping over his own shoe laces.  NOT A BIG DEAL.

 I can't begin to tell you how much fun I had watching the game, and also writing about it today.  BYU quarterbacks never cease to put a smile on my face.  And the Cougar fans' tears are so sweet to the taste.

I've heard it said that ingratitude is one of the greatest sins.  So I want to take this opportunity to thank the BYU football team for so publicly and thoroughly soiling your drawers.  It made my weekend.

Man I Hate Myself Sometimes

It happened.  I went against all my better judgement, such as it is, and crossed over a line I had drawn in the sand long ago when I occupied a much higher moral ground.   I never thought I would debase myself in such a humiliating manner.  But I did.

I went on an internet date this summer.

 How did I end up here?  Well, mom made me promise to make more of an effort and stop spending so much time alone, much as I may prefer that sometimes to feeding/entertaining some other man's future wife.

But really that's only part of the deal.  Other components include living in a target-poor environment and my very limited time/funds to pursue such endeavors during school.  See, back in DC, there were a lot of single Mormons in what I would consider my age-appropriate dating pool, and very bright, interesting women at that.  Not that I maximized that when I was there, but I had options.  Here in AZ, my ward is significantly younger and more...shall we say "Mormon-y".  Which is totally sweet, and earnest, and wholesome.  But which of those words really describes someone that I would mesh well with?  I mean, I think I'm mostly a decent guy with certain favorable qualities to go with some of my less savory ones.  But that doesn't cut it for me.

It's not like I'm searching for some Lindsey Lohan type either.  I tried taking out a couple of the comely young lasses in my singles ward when I first moved here, and they were very nice.

Nice.

Not a positive word in a dating context.  It was like having dinner with a young June Cleaver.  Which is fitting, considering how many of my sweet sisters-in-faith live their lives according to a Leave It To Beaver script.  And lest I be criticized for being too hard on the sisters, many of the men are every bit as Ward Cleaver as the sisters are June, which is precisely what keeps the machine running.  Ward and June sit around the living room pining for some bygone day when words like "swell" and "golly" were part of the everyday vernacular.  The soda shop has been replaced by the frozen yogurt shop in the modern iteration of the show.

This may delight a less Humungus man, but I can only take so many fro-yo trips before I start looking for the spigot that's dispensing the Jack Daniels flavor.  And I don't even drink.

How do I cope?  I have to stop at the grocery store on the way home to buy a rotisserie chicken.  I take it home, tear my shirt off and consume the chicken bare-handed and bare-chested just so I can get a sense of manliness by pulling the drumsticks from their sockets and tearing the flesh from the bone.  My eyes glaze over, a faint smile tracing my lips as the grease runs down my chin and I contemplate how awesome I'd be if I had more chest hair.

Which, obsessing about my manliness?  Totally not me.  But the angst from the long procession of Sandra D. dream dates sometimes builds up inside of me until it boils over and I have to write something obnoxious like this as a counter-weight.  This, too, bothers me.     

Where does a guy like me fit in a Leave It To Beaver script?

So internet date.  I've discovered that people on the internet can be just as agonizingly boring as they are in real life.  Reading profiles can feel a bit like being a hiring manager scanning resumes, in that most of the time you want to shoot yourself in the face from the unoriginality.

(Actual profiles follow, all completely sic'd)

"I am a very outgoing girl who is pretty easy going. I love to do just about anything and will try every thing once."

You just described what 80% of the people on the internet think of themselves.  Way to shine, bright eyes.

"I'm shy at first but I can really open up and let loose when I get to know you. I love to be impulsive and just have a good time. I can be adventurous but also content with just staying in and watching a movie." 

You are also gifted at talking without saying anything of substance.  Sign me up for an hour at a dinner table with you!  No, make that two!

"I'm grounded and have a good head on my shoulders, but I also love to be spontaneous, travel, laugh and sometimes do nothing at all. I can usually be happy doing just about anything but really appreciate seeing new things in different countries, trying a new Italian restaurant, or playing Wii at midnight with my best friends. I'd like to say I'm well rounded."

And I'd like to say that you are boring me to death.  (I'd also like to say that I can be kind of a butthole sometimes.  Welcome to Dear Humungus, where I put my less-savory qualities on display for the world.)

Oh, and lest we forget, there are the princesses who demand that you recognize how lucky you are to be kissing their feet:

"Guys well, I want someone who is ambitious [Did you catch that, my dogs?  Ambitious.  Princess code for Dude Better Get Paid So He Can Take Care of Me.] and who has the same interests obviously! I want to be treated like the princess I am, I'm not high maintenance, I just know my worth! I want to be married to be honest, I want a family, it didn't work out so well the first time but hopefully I won't end up with anyone like that again!! [Yeah, I can't imagine what sort of guy would get tired of kissing your hiney.  Well pray tell, can you give me any specifics that you're looking for?]

This is how guys SHOULD be....
 
GIVE HER ONE OF YOUR T-SHIRTS TO SLEEP IN.
LEAVE HER CUTE TEXT MESSAGES.
KISS HER IN FR0NT 0F Y0UR FRIENDS.
TELL HER SHE L00KS BEAUTIFUL.
L00K HER IN THE EYES WHEN Y0U TALK T0 HER.
LET HER MESS WITH Y0UR HAIR.
MESS WITH HER HAIR.
INCLUDE HER IN ALL THINGS Y0U D0.
F0RGIVE HER F0R HER MISTAKES.
L00K AT HER LIKES SHE'S THE 0NLY GIRL Y0U SEE.
TICKLE HER EVEN WHEN SHE SAYS ST0P.
H0LD HER HAND EVEN WHEN Y0U ARE AROUND Y0UR FRIENDS.
WHEN SHE STARTS SWEARING AT Y0U TELL HER Y0U L0VE HER.
LET HER FALL ASLEEP IN Y0UR ARMS.
GET HER MAD, THEN KISS HER.
STAY UP WITH HER ALL NIGHT WHEN SHES SICK.
WATCH HER FAV0RITE M0VIE WITH HER
KISS HER F0REHEAD.
LET HER WEAR Y0UR CL0THES.
WHEN SHES SAD, HANG 0UT WITH HER.
LET HER KN0W SHE'S IMP0RTANT.
KISS HER IN THE RAIN.
CALL HER EVERY NIGHT.
AND WHEN Y0U FALL IN L0VE WITH HER, TELL HER."

Man.  Does anybody else want to kill themselves after reading that?  And the kicker is that she's not even clever enough to write that bathroom drivel on her own.  You know how I know?  I've seen the same list on a half dozen other profiles.   

Anyway, you get some sense of what this universe is like, right?  The emails are not much better.   But at least I can let my obnoxiousness off the leash and have a little fun with those:

NP:  I must say, at a glance you seem like a man with depth. I wonder how it's possible that girls in line at your door [sic]!!! 

Me:  It's easy enough when they don't know where you live. Hurray for internet! It provides such anonymity.  But I'm not telling a person without a photo anything they don't already know, amiright? Or amiright?

NP:  LOL! I'm glad you figured out what I was trying to say.....and yes, no photo does help me keep a low profile. I've had a couple bad experiences with men who seem a little too superficial. I'm not a tall, blue-eyes, big chested, long-legged gal. I'm not ugly my any means, but I want a man to be attracted to my intelligence and abilities [Good luck with that].
So seriously, what qualities seem to be lacking in the women you meet or date? In that you live in another state, I am not trying to pursue you....but I figure you could give me some interesting perspectives on life, dating or women.

Me:  Well, putting aside the wisdom of asking for perspective on life, dating or women from a man who has obviously failed in some degree at all three, I would say that your question relies on one awfully large, and likely faulty assumption:

That I meet and/or date women. Church members, at least. I mean, I meet plenty of non-Mormon women through school or work, but that's a different can of worms.

What's lacking in the women I have failed with in the past? It has been different for each one. The one thing I am acutely aware of is that the common denominator in all of those failed relationships has been me, and most of the women are now married. 

[Shockingly, and thankfully, this one did not respond.]

TM:  So if I am not hip with rock and roll what can I say to impress you?  

Me:  You should say, "STG, I can throw a Volkswagen a half block. Carry you to bed is no problem." But you have to say it with a Swedish accent (not yodeling though). 

[STG is my screen name.  In my “about me” section, I claim to be looking for a woman who can carry me to bed when I fall asleep watching TV.]

TM:  STG stands for? And who sang about the volkswagon? I cannot do a Swedish accent but will a German accent do? Do you have a singer's voice to go with all your lyrics?

Me:  Not unless you consider Jimmy Buffett a "singer's voice".

What does STG stand for? Now you can really show your rock n' roll hipness. It stands for "Smell The Glove."

TM:  So are you a dancer? I am just trying to get the picture here... Or is this all just your outlet because you have a desk job all day and have to break loose at the end?

Me:  You know, I've had a number of people ask me what I'm doing here, and I don't think I've ever come up with a good answer. I guess the most accurate is that mom says I can't sit around in the dark by myself anymore (much as I may enjoy that), and the thought of going to anything so reeking of desperation as a Mormon singles event makes me want to stick my head in a boiling pot of water.

And yet somehow, here I am on the interwebz making ze small talks. Even worse, I know. But at least I can do it from my couch while I listen to some good tunes and get some ironing done.

How about you, what brings you to [internet purgatory site]? And don't say a mother's shame. I already used that one.  [T.M. didn't hang on much longer after this].

So you can see I'm a little bit poorly-behaved online.  Women seem to mostly like that.  Eventually, one of these internet women here in Arizona made it through the barbed wire and got me to ask her out.  But here's the problem with a story like this:  the lead-up to the event ends up being much more enjoyable than the event itself.  The date wasn't torture, but not all that interesting either.  It was like grabbing lunch with an old work colleague.  I managed to avoid hanging myself by my shoelaces when I got home.  Sometimes you gotta give thanks for the small miracles.