Ride Boldly Ride, The Shade Replied

In my short time here in DC, I've discovered that among the Mormon community, there are a few events that generate enough buzz to reach the ears of even the most socially inept hermits like myself. I know (or at least am on close enough terms with) so few people that I don't get invited to the regular parties where the cool kids hang out. So when I hear of these bigger events, I will generally try to go and make fond memories. Or at least send the cool kids home with someone to make fun of. Just like summer camp, right? Well when I managed to get on the email list for Dutch Bike Dutch this year, I trembled in anticipation of the mirth and merriment that lay in store.

Dutch Bike Dutch has become an annual event, started by a couple of aggressively charitable and considerate young ladies to raise some walking-around money for orphans somewhere. I'm glad I got to contribute for some pinatas and Jarritos for the childrenz, but if I'm being honest, I didn't really pay attention to exactly what the funds were for. Call me passively charitable. It was a good cause, I'm sure. Anyway, DC is only about a two hour drive from Lancaster County, PA, home to Dutch Amish country. It's beautiful farm land with rolling hills, so it makes for some good cycling. As a result, in the spring, carloads of DC Mormon singles haul their bikes up to Pennsylvania to do rides varying in distance from 15 miles to 50 miles.

I chose to go for the 30-mile ride. Never mind that I hadn't been on a bike since I was 14. I was fit as a fiddle and ready to rock. Or to fiddle if needs be. So I rented a high-priced carbon fiber road bike to really allow me to fly. But to simply ride a bike would be too mundane. The occasion demanded more spice, more verve. So I decided to make my thrilling return to cycling in heroic fashion. As a luchadore.



I thought there was a chance that others would be making the ride in costumes of some sort as well. I mean, who wouldn't want to raise some Amish pulses with a bit of bravado? I was wrong. So very wrong. The closest anyone came was Colton in his $2 Incredible Hulk riding jersey. Ugliest shirt ever, but I applaud the showmanship. And he one-upped me by doing the 50-miler. Two claps for you and the chef lady, Colton.



Anyway, the video will fill in the visual blanks for you. How was it riding 30 miles after a 16-year absence from the sport? Pros and cons both, I'd say. The biggest con was those padded biking shorts. Mercy me, I felt like I was walking around with a maxi pad attached to my gooch with rubber cement. Extremely uncomfortable for a man. Not in a wedgie way, but in a turn-and-cough way. Another con, when I attempted to dismount my bike after 30 miles, I had the spaghetti legs real bad. I almost had to fall over sideways so I could roll away from it, because I didn't have the strength to lift my leg over the bar. Pros, you really do feel like you're flying sometimes. When you crest a hill and hit the downslope and drop the gear, the road slips away beneath you as your cape flaps in the wind. It's quite a rush. It builds hella leg strength in your quads. Boy howdy. And it's a peaceful way to take in the countryside and get some exercise while doing it. I will have to be sure to beg onto the invite list for next year.

And now, a short film (footage compliments of V Slice. Edited by yours truly.)