Does the ShamWow! Absorb Blood?

Back in March of this year, I caught a news snippet about the arrest of chameleon-eyed TV pitchman Vince Shlomi, face of the ShamWow! super-absorbent chamois and the Slap Chop kitchen aid.

In case you don't remember the story, ShamWow! had taken a hooker back to his room in a swanky Miami hotel for what the police report refers to as "straight sex." (I find that portion of the police report odd. Straight sex. You don't say? Wouldn't you assume that if you're taking a female prostitute to your room, straight sex is somewhere in the evening's plans? Was that just a contractual prerequisite to make sure he didn't have to pay her if he got back to his room and discovered she was packing extra gear? It's like the old Gaffer used to say, "No use packing a fishing pole on a spelunking trip." Be that as it may, a quick deployment of the Crocodile Dundee technique could have clarified any questions before the subject of price was even broached.) So back to the story at hand: ShamWow! goes in for a kiss and this gal bites his tongue. He has to punch the girl repeatedly until she releases his tongue. Cops show up, arrest both for felony aggravated assault. The Smoking Gun picks up the mugshots, both of them with that "longing for the meth lab" glaze over their eyes. It splashes across a slow news day, and I tuck it away in my Hilariously Sad file next to Gary Busy and Ashley Simpson without a second thought.

Then one day in September, I happen across the pictures taken of the two lovebirds at the hospital. Graphic. Back in March, I remember thinking, "Wait, he had to punch this little pixie multiple times to get her off his tongue? What kind of limp wrist was he swinging?" Well the hospital pics, (her passed out drunk and him trying to sell the photographer that Snuggie he's wearing), tell me he did more than Slap Chop her. He bloodied her nose and blacked her eyes. And I'll admit, I thought less of ShamWow! for hitting on a girl. But from the looks of it, he's lucky to have his tongue at all. She didn't just bite down, she bit in. Deep. A fair amount of that blood on her face must be his.

Now ShamWow! may or may not be the type who would, under normal circumstances, hit a woman. I can't say for sure. However, I can say for sure that I am not that type, and I'm not positive that if, (take a big hypothetical leap with me here, people), if I were in the same situation, I wouldn't employ the ShamPow! defense. How was he supposed to know kissing wasn't on the menu? I mean, he's paying $1000 for access to her VIP area, but he can't even get a kiss to start the show? As aggravating as that may be, it's not punch-worthy by itself. But why couldn't she have said, "No, sorry Romeo. Pretty Woman rules are in effect. No kissing." Instead, she launches straight into chomping down on his tongue, which, by the way, you don't get into someone else's mouth without an initial level of acceptance on the part of the other party. She waited until his tongue was in her mouth until she remembered that the Whoring For Dummies manual forbids it. That's malicious intent to bite. I'm not saying she deserved the two black eyes and a bloody nose. I'm just saying.