How To Make Sexxy Time Less Sexy

I always get a bit of a chuckle when I read edicts issued by religious authorities about how to have healthy sex. I can appreciate the desire of those authorities to provide advice based within the structure of an individual's moral foundation on how to control the more primal animal instincts. They are generally good-natured attempts to get the faith's adherents to give proper weight to the issues surrounding the act. But these puritanical directives always come off awkward and oblivious to the humor they hide in plain sight. You can imagine my delight when I read this article in the Daily Mail talking about the special prayer issued for Catholics to read before unleashing their inner beast. An excerpt from the article:

Roman Catholic couples are being encouraged to pray together before they have sex. A book published by a prominent Church group invites those setting out on married life to recite the specially-composed Prayer Before Making Love.

It is aimed at 'purifying their intentions' so that the act is not about selfishness or hedonism.

The prayer, which appears in the Prayer Book for Spouses, implores God 'to place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites, self-offering that tells the truth and does not deceive, forgiveness that truly receives, loving physical union that welcomes.'

It adds: 'Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will. Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever.' 

Man. It's funny and sad at the same time. I'm by no means trying to single out the Catholic church here, because heaven knows my own faith makes its share of ham-handed proclomations on makin' good whoopy. But when it comes down to getting down, the last thing I want to do is stop the train to ask forgiveness that my wife and I are about to totally ravish one another. Philosophizing about sex is fine, but come on, to every thing there is a season. Making God an integral part of your relationship is good, but praying for dignity, mercy and forgiveness kinda loses its meaning when you're wearing nothing but a cape and firefighter boots, doesn't it? Do we have to get off the kitchen table first or can we just read this on the fly? Are we supposed to memorize it or am I gonna have to add an extra pouch to my tool belt?
No, my pre-coital petition would take a little different form. It would be something more like, "Lord, I'm here knocking on the very door of creation, and if you'll just let me focus for a few minutes and do this thing right, I promise we'll work you in here before all the shootin's done and the smoke clears."
Of Course, I'm probably not the best person to consult on this. My perspective is obviously skewed, and perhaps more than a bit fantasized. As a practicing Mormon, I follow the commandment to keep my naughty bits under lock-and-key until some mythical keymaster called a "spouse" appears to unlock my special purpose. At this point I'm like a dog who's been cooped up inside all day waiting for my master to come home and take me to the park to play frisbee. I sit at the window watching the other dogs frolic in the grass, thinking every car that goes by could be my master arriving to play. In reality, when the keymaster does arrive, she'll probably take me for a quick duty walk around the block before Survivor comes on. Whatever. So long as she doesn't read me a prayer before she puts my leash on, who cares. I'm walkin', man.

First, Let Us Pray