Humungus Ponders Post-Apocalypse Sports, Gets Lost in Classical Music

Dear Bloodlust,

The existence of leisure time for sport in the apocalypse depends on what sort of events lead to the apocalypse.  Many envision the end of civilization coming as the result of nuclear powers losing their minds and launching enough warheads to bring about nuclear winter.  Others envision some sort of calamitous event such as a meteor strike, which would have a similar effect.  The unspoken assumption of your question indicates you anticipate a somewhat more peaceful dissolution of civilization as a result of geopolitical failure and/or man's inability to sustain the systems we currently depend on for power, transportation, communication, food, etc. 

Only under a scenario where mankind returns to a more agrarian existence, but can also count on fertile soil and an uninterrupted ecosystem could sport still be a consideration.  It may be a bit rosier vision than Humungus believes in, but I enjoy sports as well, so I'll indulge your whims here.

The Mesoamerican ballgame to which you refer is one of the oldest known team sports, dating back over three thousand years, and the outcome of the game was critical, since, as you mentioned, the losing team would often be put to death.  As much as I like those stakes, I have a hard time believing that man would return to such a game when so many others have developed in the ensuing millennia that would be easier to carry forward into the new reality.  In truth, I think most of the games that exist now have the potential to carry forward, albeit in variously altered states.  Except hockey.  Hockey fans are screwed.  But for the loss, the trade-off is that we never have to watch ice dancing or figure skating again.  Not exactly a fair trade, but fair doesn't exist in the apocalypse.  There may be some competitions that develop around the new survival skills man will be required to develop, such as spear fishing competitions or a resurgence of wrestling.  On the whole, though, I don't think much will develop that man hasn't already thought of, either in current times or times past.   

I think the biggest change will be in the players themselves and how the public will consume their sports.  There will be no national league of overfed, roided-up, prima donnas with a gaggle of assistants and physicians and personal chefs to make sure they can get from home to practice by 10:00 o'clock in the morning.  No national press corp to pick over every word that falls from their mouths like pigeons on a crumb of bread.  Nobody calling them "heroes" simply for playing a game.  In this fairytale of ours, I look forward to the return of the warriors of old.  For them, as I hope it will be for the new, the game was a diversion.  They play in their down time after planting the harvest or after a successful hunt.  They play in between wars with neighboring clans.  But these new athletes are warriors first.  Their people love them for their sporting prowess, but they are never simply adored for being good at playing a game.  They are contributors and protectors of the well-being of the clan.

And for the love of Ra, they never send cellphone pictures of their manhood to women, as everybody's favorite gunslinger quarterback did before retiring this season.  This is a development I absolutely don't understand.  What is the purpose of doing so?  I assume that when a guy does this, he thinks it will flip the Hot Sweaty Vixen switch in the woman's brain and she will be unable to resist such a tempting appendage.  She will drop whatever she is doing and come flying to your door on a rocket so that the sexxy time may commence before the image on her phone self-destructs. 

This is not a phenomenon restricted to athletes of course.  They just get to be in the news when they do.  Men of all classes seem to reach this same flawed conclusion.  Cellphone + My Gear + Unlimited Data Messaging = Sex 4 Me 2nite!  Dammit, this is why China is beating our pants off in producing engineers.  We can't even do the sexxy math right.  These guys aren't even using the right variables.  I mean, I've never been a woman (hallelujah!), so I can't speak as an authority here, but there is nothing about a picture of mangear that is beautiful or arousing.  Its purpose(s) are obvious enough to surmise, but it is a rather odd-looking appendage, especially out of context.  Perhaps an illustration will help drive the point home.

Take this violin bow, for example:

You look at the picture, and you know what it does immediately.  But the sight of it doesn't make you automatically think of playing Vivaldi's Grosso Mogul Concerto.  In fact, you may be thinking what a weird tool that is to make such beautiful music. 

Now imagine that the woman you're sending the picture to is at the grocery store, studiously considering loofahs when she opens her phone to see your mangear staring back.  How strange must it look?   Obvious in purpose, yes.  But not inspiring her to make beautiful music.  Context matters, fellas.

Perhaps some of the confusion in these guys' hetero-textual overtures derives from something more deeply psychological and linked to the strongly visual orientation of the male brain.  As mentioned earlier, mangear leaves no questions as to function.  Ladygear, however, is veiled in mystery, much like the creatures themselves.  If a man raised by wolves in the wilderness were to stumble upon a set of ladygear, he'd have no idea how to operate it.  But he'd be awfully excited about learning.  It's as though every woman comes equipped with her own variation of the Rubik's Cube.  Were a man to receive a cellphone pic of random ladygear,  I imagine it would, as Confederate Railroad described it, "get [him] excited, leave [him] feeling confused."

Could it be this confusion with the female of the species that triggers these men to make their intentions known right up front?  Are they making an attempt at primitive bartering?  (You want dis?  I gots dis.  You trade for Rubik's Cube?  I likes Rubik's Cube.  Uh oh.  How do I work dis?)  And could it be that men and women are both looking for an approach from the opposite sex that bears a little more resemblance to their respective gear?  Women seem to get really revved up by mystery, nuance, passing glances and raised eyebrows, texts on Tuesdays, but phone calls on Thursdays, sharing his feelings but not hogging the conversation. 

And men get excited about a little more straightforward, explicit communication from women.  They're not asking that women throw themselves at the men.  They don't want a woman to walk up and say, "I want to grab your [blank] and [blank] your [blank] on the front steps of the [blank] until your [blankety blank] makes that [blanking] sound and the [blank] burns the tops of our [blanks] and then I'm gonna [blank] your [blankety blank] like it's the [blank]." (Feel free to Mad-lib that at home.) 

There's no need to be extreme.  However, I for one am tired of standing before The Sphinx every time I have a conversation with a potential paramour.  

I don't know how we got here, Bloodlust.  Something about sports in the apocalypse.  I totally broke character for this. 

I dunno, uh, no sexting in the apocalypse.  Write it down under "Positive aspects of the downfall of civilization."

Yup.  I'm on vacation, alright.