In The Business of Getting PWNED!!

Stooped at a table, in silence I've toiled

Adding 'like factors' and practicing FOIL.

Robbed of my slumber, questions still burning,

I tossed and I turned, the cogs always turning.

"With TIME and HARD WORK you can master this test."

Such positive thinking helped summon my best.

For months I prepared and finally felt strong.

My answers hard-earned very rarely were wrong.

I zigged when you zigged, zagged when you zagged.

Of success I was sure, my win 'in the bag.'

If X equals Y, and seven is three,

How many monkeys can live in a tree?

If apples are oranges, and both fruits are pears,

Then why is it round if the pi are squared?

What is the ratio of knickknacks to widgets,

And what's the percentage of three-headed midgets?

I know it! I know it!  The answer is three,

If X equals pears and the knickknacks are free!

But if you add seven to a factor of Y,

Then midgets hate apples and eat all the pi.

YES! I felt good.  I could conquer the world.

Of course I'd do well when the test was unfurled.

And you played the puppy, your submissiveness fake,

Sitting and rolling and learning to shake.

I thought I had tamed you, trained you to lay,

So I sat down to pet you at the end of the way.

I reached out my hand and heard a deep growl.

Your teeth were well-honed, your breath was most foul.

Now staring, shell-shocked, into your maw,

I was three-quarters there, no time to withdraw.

Or was it four-fifths?  Is that a factor of red?

And what's the probability of me wetting the bed?

Probability's good, for no jugular was seized.

You tore through my gray matter with relative ease

Deceptive, bloodthirsty, villainous savage!

My meticulous plans you fiendishly ravaged.

With claws and incisors you ripped at my dreams,

Devouring my hope whilst the carcass still steamed.

Empty, disheartened, brainless, or more,

My plan fades to black.  The horror.  The horror.